The Science of Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff

Although this is a generalization, it is my observation that In American society we are so preoccupied with the concept of independence and picking ourselves up from our bootstraps that empathy for ourselves and others is often missing.  Neff makes a good point about how focusing on self-esteem actually does people a disservice since it is contingent on success and comparisons with others.  It is comical when you think about it that our society teaches kids to focus on becoming superior while simultaneously instilling the belief that expressing superiority is conceited and unacceptable.  And as she points out, how can we all be superior to everyone else ?!  There is also a focus in our culture on being kind to others (at least in a superficial way), but it is rare that anyone explains how to be kind to oneself.  Unfortunately, self-care especially with regard to our internal dialogues is not a natural phenomena for many people.  These societal messages strongly contribute to the immense self-criticism that the majority of Americans are assaulted with on a daily basis.  As Neff points out, many people believe self-criticism is a motivator.  I’ve heard many clients remark on their fear that laziness would take over if self-criticism diminished.  Based on Neff’s assertions and research, self-criticism leads to a multitude of mental health problems and is generally a poor motivator.  She also shares many naysayers beliefs that self-compassion is a form of pity and encourages weakness.  If understood and used correctly, self-compassion is the most effective way of improving emotional well-being and therefore the strongest motivator.  Offering yourself comfort and validation does not lead to escaping responsibilities, but is a way of recognizing your own humanity.  Why not give self-compassion a chance and then notice whether it is more or less helpful than self-criticism?  Although Neff didn’t explain much about how to increase self-compassion in this video, her book offers many useful exercises.  Can you Imagine a world where people were accepting and kind to themselves?  I’m sure there would be a lot less needless suffering and I might be out of a job! - Natasha Shapiro